Friday, December 3, 2010

I had my first panic attack today....

I worked on maternal child health at the hospital today and got a call to go visit a mom down in Labor and Delivery. I didn't think twice and headed right now. I walked into her room and had my first panic attack.... this was the room that I delivered Madison in....

While for most this would bring back a flood of amazing memories and in the end it does for me too, but before those amazing memories, i brings back the scariness that was Madison's delivery. Warning, this could get graphic, don't say I didn't warn you.

I had been brought into the hosptial to be induced on 5/22 at 9am. I received a gel on my cervix, was monitored for an hour or two and sent home and was told to come back at 2pm for another dose of the gel. We went over to my sister-in-laws house, because she lives only 10 minutes from the hospital, compared to our 35 minute drive. We killed some time, ate some lunch and made our way back to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I began cramping and having pain in my back, but nothing too horrible. When the midwife came in to check my progress, she happily annouced that I was 3cm dialated and then my water broke as she was checking my progress. That was that, I was instantly admitted. We made our happy phone calls to friends and family and settled into our room, Labor and Deliver room 12.

Hours went by, my contractions became painful and then eventually slowed. I was started on pitocin. I was given a dose of Stadol for the pain through my IV and the only thing it did was make me feel drunk. My best friend, Vicki, had stopped by for support and to visit and I couldn't even hold a conversation with her. I woke up and she was gone and I couldn't figure out why, lol, because I had felt hungover from the pain meds. I requested an epidural at that time, I was 5cm. The anesthesiologist came in to administer my epidural, however I was so swollen, that even the spaces between my vertebrae were swollen. Jim says it was horrible watching the anesthesiologist attempt to get the epidural in place. Eventually it was put into place and the medicine quickly kicked in, however the medicine cause me to shake uncontrollably. After visiting with family (and sending them home for the night), Jim and I decided to try and get some rest. However I woke up a few hours later in pain, my epidural was wearing off. I labored like that for hours.

Finally at 5am I was ready to push. Jim called family and friends to let them know our bundle of joy would be arriving soon. However, I wasn't a good "pusher". I pushed for 2 1/2 hours. It was just Jim, myself and our L&D nurse in the room. Finally at 7:30am there was a shift change for my doctor and nurse. I was sad at first until Jim and I realized that instead of a doctor, we would have a midwife, Emily (Jim's valedictorian actually) and a new nurse. Having a midwife in the room was like having a fresh start, she was really encouraging me. I was ready to give up, I was exhausted. I rested a bit and got started pushing again. Finally I started making progress and received an episiotomy (which hurt like a bitch since my epidural was no longer working). I was able to push out Madison's head. For those of you who are not parents should know that once the head is delivered, the rest of the body is supposed to just slide out. That wasn't the case for Madison. I delivered her head and pushed, and pushed and pushed. She never cried, she wouldn't come out. I thought she was dead.

Next thing Jim and I know, our calm midwife is calling for my practice's oncall doctor STAT, then when he didn't show fast enough, she screamed for any available doctor. The next thing I knew, my bed was lowered back flat, I had 10-20 different nurses in the room (labor and deliver, pediatrics, and NICU). It took my midwife, two different doctors, and several nurses jumping and pushing on my stomach for Madison to be delivered. She was finally out, but still wasn't crying. She was immediately whisked away and placed on an oxygen mask. I honestly thought she was dead.

It took a really long time for Jim and I to calm down. My delivery looked like something out of a scene of the show E.R. My wonderful L&D nurse ran laps back and forth betwen the NICU and back to me to help convince us that she was going to be okay (she was amazing). Madison needed to observed in the NICU for a while. It turns out that Madison's shoulder got stuck behind my tailbone. It wouldn't have mattered how hard or long I pushed, she was never coming out on her own. By the way, Madison was born at 8:47am, so over 3 1/2 hours of pushing.

holding her for the first time in the NICU

daddy holding Madison for the first time in the NICU

I haven't typed this out in quite some time, I'm amazed how many little details I still vividly remember. 18 months later, I have an amazing, happy and healthy toddler... it still took me a few minutes to collect myself after leaving that room today. Its amazing what an affect childbirth can do to you.

1 comment:

  1. I am so sorry you had such a traumatic birth! I only heard the gushy side on fb. I had traumatic births with both of my girls & Maddy was in the nicu too (for 18 days). Just the smell of the nicu soap brings me right back to being there feeling so helpless & worried. Childbirth is a life altering event & will forever be with you.