Friday, October 15, 2010

Today is Pregancy and Infant Loss Remeberance Day....

I suffered a miscarriage....

August 18th 2008 was the happiest day of my life aside from my wedding day. The month previous Jim and I had decided to try for a baby and see what happens. On August 18th, I took a pregnancy test after being almost a week late, and it was positive. It was truely the happiest moment I think Jim and I had experienced. We were so happy, nervous and excited. Even better yet, my family was in town for the night, and his parents were coming over that evening. We decided that we would share our happy news immediately, because what could go wrong, we were both healthy young adults.

I call this picture bliss, we were both so happy, we were glowing.. at the Dodger's/Philly's game:

We shared our news that evening with our parents and they were estatic, people jumped for joy, hugged and kissed one another and started calling each other grandmom's and grandpop's. Pure bliss. We told friends right away too, everyone was so excited to share in this happy moment with us.

Fast forward to August 28th 2008, I was at work and went into the bathroom to find that I was bleeding quite heavily. I left work almost immediately and went home where I continued to bleed. Jim came home to be with me, and we went into meet with the OB that afternoon. We were informed that I was having a miscarriage and that it there was nothing that could be done, we were told we could try again as soon as we wanted since I was so early in my pregnancy.I had my HCG levels monitored for a few days to make sure were dropping, and of course they were, because I was having a miscarriage.

Having to untell family and friends what the hardest thing I ever had to do. People never know what to say, don't really understand, do their best to offer support, but nothing takes that sting away. NOTHING.

I may have only been pregnant that first time for a week and a hlaf, but it was a beautiful carefree wonderful week.

Jim and I were extremely blessed in that we got pregnant again immediately with my next cycle. However, the wonderful, carefree, stressfree environment was nowhere to be found. I was anxious all of the time, essentially waiting to miscarry again. We only told immediate family until after we had our first appointment. I was 8 weeks pregnant during our first appointment. I was so nervous, because those first two months were so easy, no morning sickness or anything, I didn't even feel pregnant. I was pretrified I would get to the appointment and they would again tell me that there was no baby. However, the doctor was amazing and gave us an ultrasound.

We instantly saw the baby's heart flickering on the screen, I was so happy that I cried.

We started telling friends after that appointment, however, the fear and anxiety never went away. It's so easy for so many things to do wrong in a pregnancy. Once the fear of having a miscarriage went away, I worried about preterm labor, then I worried about complications related to my gestational diabetes which was somewhat difficult to manage, then I fell down a flight of stairs at 32 weeks and was rushed to labor and delivery for monitoring, then there was the day where she didn't move at all and again I went to labor and delivery for monitoring. I will never forget my depleting amnitoc fluid, increased swelling. blurred vision and headache that lead them to induce me at 38 weeks only to make no progress and to be sent home the next day with a failed induction.... and then the scariest of them all, Madison's birth, but that's a whole other post all it's own....

I guess what I am saying is that having a miscarriage ruined my ability to have a carefree/happy pregnancy. But my miscarriage also brought me the happy bouncing toddler that just crawled into my lap to give me a kiss... it's all so very bittersweet.

About 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, or 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Please check out this website if you would like any more information:

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