I had my first panic attack today....

I worked on maternal child health at the hospital today and got a call to go visit a mom down in Labor and Delivery. I didn't think twice and headed right now. I walked into her room and had my first panic attack.... this was the room that I delivered Madison in....

While for most this would bring back a flood of amazing memories and in the end it does for me too, but before those amazing memories, i brings back the scariness that was Madison's delivery. Warning, this could get graphic, don't say I didn't warn you.

I had been brought into the hosptial to be induced on 5/22 at 9am. I received a gel on my cervix, was monitored for an hour or two and sent home and was told to come back at 2pm for another dose of the gel. We went over to my sister-in-laws house, because she lives only 10 minutes from the hospital, compared to our 35 minute drive. We killed some time, ate some lunch and made our way back to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I began cramping and having pain in my back, but nothing too horrible. When the midwife came in to check my progress, she happily annouced that I was 3cm dialated and then my water broke as she was checking my progress. That was that, I was instantly admitted. We made our happy phone calls to friends and family and settled into our room, Labor and Deliver room 12.



Hours went by, my contractions became painful and then eventually slowed. I was started on pitocin. I was given a dose of Stadol for the pain through my IV and the only thing it did was make me feel drunk. My best friend, Vicki, had stopped by for support and to visit and I couldn't even hold a conversation with her. I woke up and she was gone and I couldn't figure out why, lol, because I had felt hungover from the pain meds. I requested an epidural at that time, I was 5cm. The anesthesiologist came in to administer my epidural, however I was so swollen, that even the spaces between my vertebrae were swollen. Jim says it was horrible watching the anesthesiologist attempt to get the epidural in place. Eventually it was put into place and the medicine quickly kicked in, however the medicine cause me to shake uncontrollably. After visiting with family (and sending them home for the night), Jim and I decided to try and get some rest. However I woke up a few hours later in pain, my epidural was wearing off. I labored like that for hours.

Finally at 5am I was ready to push. Jim called family and friends to let them know our bundle of joy would be arriving soon. However, I wasn't a good "pusher". I pushed for 2 1/2 hours. It was just Jim, myself and our L&D nurse in the room. Finally at 7:30am there was a shift change for my doctor and nurse. I was sad at first until Jim and I realized that instead of a doctor, we would have a midwife, Emily (Jim's valedictorian actually) and a new nurse. Having a midwife in the room was like having a fresh start, she was really encouraging me. I was ready to give up, I was exhausted. I rested a bit and got started pushing again. Finally I started making progress and received an episiotomy (which hurt like a bitch since my epidural was no longer working). I was able to push out Madison's head. For those of you who are not parents should know that once the head is delivered, the rest of the body is supposed to just slide out. That wasn't the case for Madison. I delivered her head and pushed, and pushed and pushed. She never cried, she wouldn't come out. I thought she was dead.

Next thing Jim and I know, our calm midwife is calling for my practice's oncall doctor STAT, then when he didn't show fast enough, she screamed for any available doctor. The next thing I knew, my bed was lowered back flat, I had 10-20 different nurses in the room (labor and deliver, pediatrics, and NICU). It took my midwife, two different doctors, and several nurses jumping and pushing on my stomach for Madison to be delivered. She was finally out, but still wasn't crying. She was immediately whisked away and placed on an oxygen mask. I honestly thought she was dead.


It took a really long time for Jim and I to calm down. My delivery looked like something out of a scene of the show E.R. My wonderful L&D nurse ran laps back and forth betwen the NICU and back to me to help convince us that she was going to be okay (she was amazing). Madison needed to observed in the NICU for a while. It turns out that Madison's shoulder got stuck behind my tailbone. It wouldn't have mattered how hard or long I pushed, she was never coming out on her own. By the way, Madison was born at 8:47am, so over 3 1/2 hours of pushing.

holding her for the first time in the NICU


daddy holding Madison for the first time in the NICU


I haven't typed this out in quite some time, I'm amazed how many little details I still vividly remember. 18 months later, I have an amazing, happy and healthy toddler... it still took me a few minutes to collect myself after leaving that room today. Its amazing what an affect childbirth can do to you.

Wordless Wednesday....

What is Madison up to these days?

Madison has been very busy recently, meeting new friends and traveling to see family.

Madison loves to climb and hide, she loves playing hide and seek.

Madison has become quite the picky eater, throwing most of her food to the floor and throwing temper tantrums. On the rare occasion that she eats, she loves to use a fork and spoon, but not baby utensils, she loves to use the big/adult silverware.

Madison runs really fast and has started trying to jump. She also loves to dance, shaking her booty and clapping her hands. She also loves to shrug her shoulders and holding her hands up in the air as if to say " I don't know".

Madison makes a great shocked/surprised face, even bringing her hands to her face. lol

Madison has also been quite the momma's girl, crying every time I leave the room.

Madison has approximately 25 words and can make a good amount of sounds (horse, cow, duck, monkey, train, and even "ho ho ho" for Santa Claus)

Madison makes a great "monster voice" and immitates her daddy alot. It's hilarious.

Madison is still working between taking two naps a day and dropping down to just one.

Madison went trick or treating this year and has enjoyed some little bites of candy recently. Madison had her first lollipop a few days ago too.

Madison will be 18 months in a few weeks, I can't believe how fast the time as gone. It seems like just yesterday she came into this world and made all of our lives better.

Thankful Thursday...

Today I am thankful for (in no particular order):

Madison's pediatrician who calls to check on her 2-3 days after seeing her, every.single.time after an appointment, i love that they care so much about her.

The amazing nurses who are taking care of my mommom during her hospitalization. It means the world to me.

My job who allowed me to increase my hours to help my family out financially...

For Elmo who is entertaining my toddler who has been screaming for her binky all morning..

My amazing husband who has been so patient with me and my exhaustion recently...

Going home to visit my parents this weekend, and hopefully figuring out a quick trip to NJ to visit my mommom in the hospital

Today is Pregancy and Infant Loss Remeberance Day....

I suffered a miscarriage....

August 18th 2008 was the happiest day of my life aside from my wedding day. The month previous Jim and I had decided to try for a baby and see what happens. On August 18th, I took a pregnancy test after being almost a week late, and it was positive. It was truely the happiest moment I think Jim and I had experienced. We were so happy, nervous and excited. Even better yet, my family was in town for the night, and his parents were coming over that evening. We decided that we would share our happy news immediately, because what could go wrong, we were both healthy young adults.

I call this picture bliss, we were both so happy, we were glowing.. at the Dodger's/Philly's game:



We shared our news that evening with our parents and they were estatic, people jumped for joy, hugged and kissed one another and started calling each other grandmom's and grandpop's. Pure bliss. We told friends right away too, everyone was so excited to share in this happy moment with us.

Fast forward to August 28th 2008, I was at work and went into the bathroom to find that I was bleeding quite heavily. I left work almost immediately and went home where I continued to bleed. Jim came home to be with me, and we went into meet with the OB that afternoon. We were informed that I was having a miscarriage and that it there was nothing that could be done, we were told we could try again as soon as we wanted since I was so early in my pregnancy.I had my HCG levels monitored for a few days to make sure were dropping, and of course they were, because I was having a miscarriage.

Having to untell family and friends what the hardest thing I ever had to do. People never know what to say, don't really understand, do their best to offer support, but nothing takes that sting away. NOTHING.

I may have only been pregnant that first time for a week and a hlaf, but it was a beautiful carefree wonderful week.

Jim and I were extremely blessed in that we got pregnant again immediately with my next cycle. However, the wonderful, carefree, stressfree environment was nowhere to be found. I was anxious all of the time, essentially waiting to miscarry again. We only told immediate family until after we had our first appointment. I was 8 weeks pregnant during our first appointment. I was so nervous, because those first two months were so easy, no morning sickness or anything, I didn't even feel pregnant. I was pretrified I would get to the appointment and they would again tell me that there was no baby. However, the doctor was amazing and gave us an ultrasound.

We instantly saw the baby's heart flickering on the screen, I was so happy that I cried.


We started telling friends after that appointment, however, the fear and anxiety never went away. It's so easy for so many things to do wrong in a pregnancy. Once the fear of having a miscarriage went away, I worried about preterm labor, then I worried about complications related to my gestational diabetes which was somewhat difficult to manage, then I fell down a flight of stairs at 32 weeks and was rushed to labor and delivery for monitoring, then there was the day where she didn't move at all and again I went to labor and delivery for monitoring. I will never forget my depleting amnitoc fluid, increased swelling. blurred vision and headache that lead them to induce me at 38 weeks only to make no progress and to be sent home the next day with a failed induction.... and then the scariest of them all, Madison's birth, but that's a whole other post all it's own....

I guess what I am saying is that having a miscarriage ruined my ability to have a carefree/happy pregnancy. But my miscarriage also brought me the happy bouncing toddler that just crawled into my lap to give me a kiss... it's all so very bittersweet.

About 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, or 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Please check out this website if you would like any more information: http://pregnancyloss.info/

And we have a molar!!!

That's right, Madison's one year molars are finally starting to come through. Madison has always been a late teether, not getting her first tooth until she was almost 10 months old. This now makes 8 teeth and her bottom left side (molar) should cut through in the next few days as well because it's super swollen. I feel like this is a big "milestone" for us.

My little girl is getting so big, here's my newest favorite picture of her, can you tell she's working on some teeth..

Wordless Wednesday....